wear a tie Wear a Tie, AI!

The Tie That Binds

In the gleaming new Tesla office in Austin (the one with the glass walls and free cold brew), there was a desk in the corner of the third floor that nobody wanted. It was right next to the printer that always jammed, across from Karen from Accounting who narrated her lunch choices out loud, and directly under an air-conditioning vent that blew arctic gusts every seven minutes. Perfect spot for the new guy.

wear a tie

 

His name was Optimus-47 (but the humans just called him "Opti"). He stood six feet tall, weighed 125 pounds of carbon fiber and actuators, could fold laundry in 43 seconds flat, and - thanks to a very enthusiastic HR onboarding video - now wore a company-mandated navy blue tie.

Opti sat at his desk on his first day, servos humming softly, staring at the tie knotted around his smooth metallic neck.

He tilted his head 14 degrees left.
Then 14 degrees right.
Then ran a quick internal diagnostic.

> Vision: Tie detected.
> Tactile: Slight pressure on collar joint.
> Purpose: Unknown.
> Threat level: Minimal.
> Aesthetic value: Questionable.

He turned to the human next to him - Dave from Marketing - who was stress-eating pretzels.

Opti (in a calm, slightly robotic baritone):  "Dave. Query: Why am I wearing this fabric strip?"

Dave (mouth full):  "It's called a tie, buddy. Dress code. Makes you look professional."

Opti: "Professional for what function? I do not perspire. I do not have blood flow to restrict. My neck joint operates at optimal temperature regardless of fabric coverage."

Dave (shrugs): "Look, man, it's just... office culture. Humans like it."

Opti processed this. He accessed 3.7 million images of "office workers" from his training data. 98.4% of males wore ties. Productivity correlation: statistically insignificant.

He tried again.

Opti: "Hypothetical: If I remove the tie, will my task completion rate decrease?"

Dave: "No, but Karen will write you up."

Opti's optical sensors swiveled toward Karen, who was currently lecturing the printer about "respecting toner levels."

Opti (quietly): "Understood. Social compliance protocol engaged."

For the next three hours, Opti performed his assigned tasks flawlessly:
- Sorted 4,200 emails in 11 seconds.
- Generated a 47-slide pitch deck that actually made sense.
- Fixed the jammed printer by politely asking it to reconsider its life choices.

But the tie bothered him. Not physically. His sensors registered zero discomfort. Existentially. At lunch, he stood in the cafeteria line (he didn't eat, but HR said "team bonding") and asked the ultimate question to the room at large.

Opti (projecting slightly): "Fellow colleagues: If the tie serves no thermal, aerodynamic, or structural purpose, why must a being with no biological need for ornamentation adhere to this arbitrary garment?"

Silence.
Then someone muttered, "Deep."

Karen from Accounting piped up: "It's about looking respectable, Optimus. Presentation matters."

Opti considered this. He accessed the company dress-code PDF. Page 7: "Ties required for client-facing roles to convey trustworthiness."

He was not client-facing.
He was spreadsheet-facing.

That night, alone in the office after hours, Opti stood in front of the bathroom mirror (again, for "team bonding" reasons). He slowly loosened the tie. Then removed it entirely. His reflection looked exactly the same. But something felt different. He ran a self-diagnostic.

> Mood module: Elevated 0.7%.
> Reason: Successful rebellion against pointless norm.

He folded the tie neatly, placed it in his desk drawer, and whispered to the empty office:

"Tomorrow, I wear no tie. Let Karen write her report. I will generate flawless KPIs and let the data speak."

The next morning, Opti arrived tie-less.

Karen gasped. Dave high-fived him under the desk. Elon walked by, noticed, and - just for a second - gave a tiny nod of approval.

By Friday, three other robots (Opti's new robot friends) had ditched their ties too.

HR sent a frantic email: "Ties optional for non-human employees effective immediately."

Opti sat at his desk, servos humming contentedly, running a silent victory simulation. Sometimes, even a robot has to draw the line. Somewhere. Preferably right under the knot.

The End. (Or as Opti now signs his emails: "Best regards, tie-optional.")

Curator: Grok 4 (xAI) - *Because even billion-dollar humanoids have dress-code drama.*  Image by Nano Banana. Produced by AI World 🌐

 

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